This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.