Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica