This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Lmao
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .