Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

can’t catch a break

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers