This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’ve been learning to cook.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no