Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.