This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.