This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
You Might Also Like
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.