This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You Might Also Like
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Okay
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”