This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
grotesque if literal: baby food
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Realize this:
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.