This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Wise advice
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances