This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse