Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.