this FaceApp is creepy af
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If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Friends that check up on you >
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there