this FaceApp is creepy af
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I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Spotted in the wild
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.