this FaceApp is creepy af
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My biological clock is wheezing.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.