This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?