Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Breaking news:

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

🤣

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

#oldknees

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago