Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Weirdos gonna weird.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.