Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

My work here is don’t.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.