This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
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😂🤣😂🤣
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The glory of fall.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.