This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Tuesday
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Here’s a meme
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.