This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE