This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Posting this on behalf of a friend
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka