Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

Frankenstein?

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

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