This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.