This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Friday night party time 🥳
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
based al yankovic
