This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Breaking news:
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.