This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.