This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”