This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
new career option?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I’m awake but I object,
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask