Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”