This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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U talkin 2 me?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood