Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he was correct

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

🌱🌱🌱

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”