Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

is it too early for christmas memes

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.