Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’