This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos