This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
You Might Also Like
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
🇺🇸🤭
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.