This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
good morning
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years