This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
i actually laughed 😩
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points