This feels like we’re in one of the Jurassic Park sequels where a lot of us were like “hey let’s not try this again because last time the dinosaurs got loose” but other people were like “well, maybe the dinosaurs won’t get loose this time.”
You Might Also Like
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
The days of good grammer has went
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”