This feels like we’re in one of the Jurassic Park sequels where a lot of us were like “hey let’s not try this again because last time the dinosaurs got loose” but other people were like “well, maybe the dinosaurs won’t get loose this time.”
You Might Also Like
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Wait a second…
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Yep.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”