Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
*puts cutlery down*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them