This fish is cracking me up
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
wut hotdog?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’