Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

2024 has been a rough few years

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

British websites use biscuits.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.