This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
At least he brought enough for everyone
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.