Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.