This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
some things should go without saying
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
This was a bad idea all around
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu