This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks