Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?