This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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Not today. 😅
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door