Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”