This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
i choose….tongue
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse