Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.