This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Finished stitching this today 😇
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY