This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line