Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.