This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
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It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*