Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE