This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
How tf did it end up there?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*