Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

My biological clock is wheezing.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons