This forever.
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I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup