This forever.
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good for her
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.