This forever.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
beware of dog
(jukin media)
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.