This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Terribly Tuesday.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is