This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.