This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”