this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey