this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”