Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

FINE, I WON’T.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old