This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.