My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
You Might Also Like
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I鈥檓 sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I鈥檓 stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he鈥檚 drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don鈥檛 even show up to that.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn鈥檛 kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn鈥檛 exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My husband doesn鈥檛 think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I鈥檝e never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”