This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.