This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*feels butterflies
Butterflies: please stop
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.