This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated