This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
(Musicians.)
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.