This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.